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Prošli tjedan sam krenula u drugi dio svoje borbice. Sad kad sam gotova s tabletama (nadam se), krenula sam na inekcije kortikosteroida za smanjivanje keloida. To je zapravo dobra stvar za mene, no iz nekog razloga sam taj cijeli dan prije tretmana bila nervozna i malo tužna i to mi se obično dogodi samo na dan kad idem kod nje. Sve ostale dane sam sretna i ok sa tim, ali kad dođem tamo i sjedim preko puta nje krenem u one misli poput zašto se to baš meni događa i zašto provodim svoje popodne sada tu umjesto doslovno bilo gdje drugdje? Rekla mi je da se ne može puno učiniti, jer kad netko ima keloide, ono što preostaje je probat ih smanjiti, ali vjerojatnost je da ću ih imati zauvijek. I to mi je OK, već sam se pomirila s tim odavno, šta sad, tako su mi karte pale. I dalje sam to ja, i dalje ću se smatrat pametnom i sposobnom i smiješnom i zgodnom i sretnom, šta god netko drugi mislio, to ne mijenja ništa o meni. 

Sam tretman je dosta fizički bolan i psihički težak za proć, jer razmišljaš o tome dal će ti to pomoć ili će se pogoršati sve, a šta je najgore ne znaš i ne možeš znati, to će samo vrijeme pokazati. Tako da sad slično kao i s tabletama, idem na nešto za što nisam sigurna da će pomoći.

Pitalo me par dragih ljudi da idu samnom na tretman za podršku. Iako bi bilo lijepo da me netko drži za ruku u tim trenutcima, odlučila sam ići sama, jer sam sve dosad prošla tako, a iako mi je ok pričati i pisati o tom, moji odlasci tamo su osobni i želim ih sama proći. 

Vraćajući se prema doma nakon tretmana osjećala sam se skroz dobro i ponosno i pozitivno. Sve one zašto se baš meni to događa misli su prošle, jer sam se vratila u realnost, a to je da je postaviti sebi to pitanje beskorisno. To si onda može svatko reći za svaki svoj problem ili situaciju, a odgovor na to ne postoji, to je samo tako. I ne mora biti razlog za sve. Možda je moj razlog to da me to ojača kao osobu, a možda jer jednostavno imam takvu kombinaciju gena, ne znamo, a na kraju krajeva nije ni bitno. Nemamo ništa od žaljenja i propitkivanja, a dok god to nije rak ili nešto slično, može se preživit.

H a p p i n e s s 

Kako se u zadnje vrijeme osjećam dosta sretno i zadovoljno sa sobom i svime s čim sam se okružila, u par trenutaka sam se uhvatila u nekom strahu zbog tog. Ne znam točno kako to objasniti. Svi ciljamo bit sretni i mislimo da će nam nešto to donijeti, ljubav, nova roba, posao, preseljenje, kako za kog. I onda kad to dobijemo uopće ne uživamo dugo u sreći nego se bojimo da će to nestati ubrzo, jer "kako je moguće da smo toliko sretni". Od tog nam zapravo sreća ne preostaje nego samo briga i strah. To se dešava jer mislimo da ne zaslužujemo sreću. Većina ljudi se danas žali, a kad vidimo nekog tko je sretan i zadovoljan, smatramo da je to lažno i da ima nešto u pozadini. A naravno da zaslužujemo bit sretni. Svi to zaslužujemo. 

Mislim da ne dolazi sreća od nekog ili nečeg, nego si ju moramo sami stvoriti. Niti ona može biti konstantna, to su mali periodi, neki bolji, neki manje bolji, i to je sasvim normalno. Najbolje je istrenirati se da ne razmišljamo previše o ničemu, nego samo budemo prisutni. To je jako teško napraviti, ali moguće je. Npr. drugi put kad vozite auto ne razmišljajte o tom što sve morate danas napraviti, nego se fokusirajte na pjesmu koja svira, kišu ili sunce vani, bilo što što se nalazi sada u tom trenutku s vama. Tako ćete shvatiti s vremenom da su male srećice svuda okolo, umjesto da stalno živimo u čekanju nečeg što će nam donijeti sreću.

Psi su krasan primjer. Samo da im je pojest i pokakat se, best day ever, beskonačna sreća. 

Ili naprimjer nedjelje. Idealne su za mazit se u krevetu, Netflix, jest palačinke i apsolutno ništa ne raditi. Ja sam recimo iz tog đira izašla pa sam si stvorila drugačije lijepe nedjelje koje se sadrže od gledanja South Parka s prijateljima i pričanja o dubokim temama, ili kad odlučim biti sama, lakiram nokte dok sam u fluffy mantilu i slušam Billie Holiday i Ettu James. To je ono gdje se onda fokusiram na to kako mi je tad divno, umjesto na to da je sutra ponedjeljak i da se moram rano budit i ić u novi radni tjedan. Onda kad se u ponedjeljak se borim s ranim ustajanjem iz kreveta, sjetim se da ću popit prvu kavicu, sjest u moj lijep ured za moj stolić, i napravit nešto produktivno danas, i to me jako veseli, a na kraju potakne da se ustanem. To su sve neke sitne stvari ali čine moju svakodnevnu sreću. Ne razmišljam kao neki: kad se udam i imam djecu ću bit sretna ili kad kupim stan ili auto i slično. Jer to su sve zapravo stvari za koje ne znam dal ću bit sretna. Možda mi muž ispadne jazo i ne tretira me dobro ili mi stan bude zapravo dosta loš ili tko zna. Sve što imam je sad, a to su ove male stvari i zato ih se i držim. I to je najbolji način za živjeti, dan po dan.

A t t a c h m e n t 

Nekako što sam starija to manje gledam stvari dugoročno. I prijateljstva, i odnose, poslove, sve. Svjesna sam da je sve prolazno i ne vežem se za ništa previše niti moju sreću za ništa previše. Stvari i ljudi te razočaraju, promijene se, ti se promijeniš, tko zna, sve je moguće. A uvijek ima i novih stvari i ljudi okolo, uvijek. Ne treba se previše sekirati za ništa i nikoga jer realno sve prođe prije ili kasnije.

Vezanje za nešto je različito od zanesenosti (zaluđivanje, zaljubljenost) s nečim, u manjku boljeg izraza. Ok se zaluditi s nečim ili nekim, ali nikad vezati. Zanesenost donosi samo dobre osjećaje, al kad se vežeš za nešto i kad to nestane, osjećaš se loše. Ovako kad se samo zaludiš nečim al si svjestan prolaznosti, nije nikakav problem kad to nestane, već ostanu samo lijepe uspomene koje uvijek možeš posjetiti.

R e l e v a n c e

Zato se ne moramo bojati nešto izgubiti nit se držat za nešto previše isključivo. I naše samo postojanje u ovom ogromnom svemiru je toliko malo i nebitno, tako da kad samo to usporedimo s nekim day to day problemima, to je sve tako nevažno. Ponekad se samo treba odmaknuti i zapitati - jel to uopće bitno? Jel bitno za svemir šta ćeš obuć za izlazak? Jel bitno za svemir dal ćeš ostavit dečka il dat otkaz? Naravno da nije. Sve je ok, sve će se rješiti kad tad. Nije loše to sad prepoznati pa se možda možemo manje stresirat.

Za kraj, nakon prošlog posta pitali su me ljudi zašto ga pišem i kako sam počela i kako to da sam tako otvorena u njemu. Potografije su mjesto gdje svoje misli stavim u smislenu cjelinu i kad to napravim osjećam se super. Ako netko to pročita i pronađe se u tome, tim bolje. A ako ne, ja sam i dalje sretna jer je svrha Potografija ostvarena, a to je da mi hrane dušu. Ne vidim smisla skrivati emocije ili misli, kad ih svi imamo, a kad ih dijelimo sjetimo se da smo svi povezani na ljudskom levelu. 

Until next time 😊


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NEXT CHAPTER

Last week I started the next chapter of my fight. Now that I'm done with the pills (hopefully), I started going on corticosteroid injection treatments to reduce keloid scars. This is actually a good step for me, but for some reason on the day of the treatment, I felt very anxious and a little sad. This usually happens on the days I go to the doctor. Other days I feel fine about it, but going there and sitting across her makes my mind wander into "why is this happening to exactly me" and "why am I spending my afternoon doing this instead of doing literally anything else". She told me she can't do much. When someone gets keloids all you can do is try to reduce them, but there is a high probability I will have them forever. Which is OK with me, I made my peace with that a long time ago. What can I do, these are just the cards I was dealt with. I am still me, I will still consider myself smart, capable, funny, beautiful and happy, no matter what anyone else thinks, keloids don't change a thing about me.

The treatment is physically painful and mentally hard to go through, because you keep thinking is this gonna help you or make it worse, and the worst part is you don't know the answer to that, only time can tell. So this is similar to my pills, I'm doing something I'm not sure will help me.

A few of my favorite people had asked me to go with me to the treatment for support. Although it would be nice to have someone hold my hand during that time, I decided to go alone. Although I'm fine with talking and writing about it, my experience there is personal and I want it to stay mine.

Going back home, I felt great, proud and positive. All the "why is this happening to me" thoughts went away because I put myself back to reality. The reality is - asking yourself a question like that is useless. Anyone can say that to themselves about any situation or problem they have. There is no answer to that question, that's just the way it is. Maybe my reason is so this can make me a stronger person, or maybe it's because I was just born with some messed up genes. There might not even be a reason. Who knows, and what's even more important, it doesn't matter. I get nothing from feeling sorry for myself and asking these questions, and as long as I'm not dealing with cancer or something similar, I can definitely survive it.

H a p p i n e s s 

Lately, I've been feeling very happy with myself and the things I surrounded myself with. In some moments I felt even fearful. It's hard to explain. We all aim to be happy and think something will bring that happiness to us, like love, car, apartment, job, moving away, whatever, it's different for everyone. But when we get it, we don't really enjoy it since we fear that happiness will disappear soon. This just makes us feel worried instead of happy. I think this happens because people feel they don't deserve to be happy sometimes and because most people today complain. Seeing someone truly happy and content seems fake and strange to others. But of course we deserve happiness, we all do.

I believe happiness doesn't come from something or someone, we make our own. It can't be constant either. These are small periods, some better, some worse, and that's ok. The best thing to do is to train your mind to not overthink things, but instead just be present. This is very hard to do, but it's possible. I.e. next time when you are driving your car, focus on the song playing on the radio or the rain outside, instead of thinking of all the things you need to do today. That's how you start noticing joy everywhere, instead of always waiting for something to bring you happiness.

Dogs are a good example, all they need is to eat and poop, best day ever, endless happiness.

Or Sundays. Ideal for cuddling in bed, Netflix, pancakes and doing absolutely nothing. I kinda left those vibes so I created my kind of beautiful Sundays which consist of watching South Park with my friends and going into deep conversations. Or on Sundays I decide to spend alone, my joy is putting on nail polish while sitting in my fluffy bathrobe and listening to Billie Holiday and Etta James. This is so beautiful for me because I focus on how good I feel at these moments instead of thinking how tomorrow is Monday and I need to go work. Then on Mondays, when I'm struggling with getting out of bed early, I try to think of that first coffee I will drink, sitting in my nice office on my nice desk and doing something productive today. These are all small things but they make my everyday happy moments. I don't think like: when I get married and have kids and a car and new apartment - I will be happy. Maybe my husband turns out to be a jerk and doesn't treat me right or my apartment turns out to be terrible, who knows. All I have is now and that is all these little things. I find that to be the best way to live, day by day.

A t t a c h m e n t 

As I get older I look at things less and less as longterm. Friendships, relationships, jobs, all of it. I am aware that things end at one point or another and I don't really get attached to anything or anyone. Things and people change, disappoint you, you change, stuff happens. And there are always new situations everywhere, meaning new opportunities for happiness. There's really no point in worrying about anything because it will all pass, sooner or later.

Attachment is different from infatuation. It's ok to be infatuated by something or someone, but not to attach yourself. Infatuation only brought you good things and feelings, attachment brought you high expectations which lead you to disappointment later, when you are left without it. If you focus on the infatuation, when it's gone, you are only left with good memories which you can always go back to.


R e l e v a n c e 

This is why we shouldn't fear loss or consider something permanent. Even our existence in this huge universe is so small and irrelevant. Sometimes you just need to look at the bigger picture and ask yourself does this even matter? Does it matter to the universe what you will wear on a certain night out? Does it matter in the long term if you send that text to someone? Hell no. It will all pass and solve itself at some point. It's not a bad thing to have this in mind so we can stress ourselves less.

Finally, off topic, after my last post people asked me why I write it and how am I so open and honest here. Potografije is a place where I can put my thoughts into something that makes sense to me. When I write I feel extremely peaceful, and if anyone reads it and finds themselves here, that's a plus. If not, I still feel happy because the goal of Potografije is achieved, and that is to feed my soul. I don't see the point in hiding emotions or thoughts since we all have them, and sharing them reminds us that we are all connected on a human level. 

Until next time 😊