Girls&Boys

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Imam dosta muških prijatelja. Vjerujem da postoje muško-ženska prijateljstva jer sam ih iskusila i nitko to nije probao pretvarati u nešto više. Ponekad se i više volim družiti s dečkima jer su jednostavniji i donose manje drame. I tako kroz godine sam s njima razgovarala o svemu, a ono što je zapravo najkorisnije saznati od njih je njihova perspektiva o vezama, ljubavi i općenito curama. Prije nego zapišem one najzanimljivije zaključke koje sam čula od njih, htjela bi još digresirati u nešto drugo. 

Otkad imam blog javilo mi se nekoliko cura koje prolaze neke "teške" ljubavne situacije u životu i pitalo me za savjete, što je predivno. Također mi cure često volimo razgovarati o tim našim situacijama i savjetovati se međusobno. Ono što sam shvatila kao temelj svih "problema" je da većina cura sama sebe iskreno ne voli. I zato rade neke stvari i dopuštaju i takoreći dozivaju si u život same neke situacije.

Naravno, nisu sve cure jednake niti dečki i ne želim generalizirati, ali u većini slučajeva sve su to slični uzorci koji se ponavljaju. 

Self-love

Ja sebe prije nisam voljela iskreno, čak i kad sam mislila da se volim, to nije dolazilo od mene, već od mišljenja drugih. I onda kada nisam znala sama sebi dati tu ljubav, tražila sam ju u drugim ljudima, frendicama, dečkima i poznanicima, a to naravno nije uspijevalo. Jer ne može uspjeti. 

Teško je doći do toga, svatko ima svoje razdoblje, a neki nikad ni ne dođu do toga. Ne znam ni kako sam ja došla do toga, al drago mi je da jesam. Jednostavno se umoriš, ne znam. Umoriš se od tog da nisi zadovoljna sa sobom, da stalno želiš nešto više, nešto mijenjati, nešto skrivati i nekom se dokazivati. A kad se voliš to je tako lijepo i oslobađajuće i nemaš potrebu nikom ništa dokazivati, ništa na sebi mijenjati i ne dira te ništa što netko drugi kaže i misli. I najvažnije, znaš koliko vrijediš i ne pristaješ na manje. E sad, nije se dovoljno samo voljeti, što me vodi do dva zaključka i temelja svih ljubavnih "problema" koje cure imaju. Ne vole same sebe i ne znaju (ne žele) preuzeti odgovornost za svoje postupke i izbore. 

Gledanje s obje strane

Dečki su tako jednostavni, toliko jednostavni. Sve što su nas cure učili društvo i časopisi kad smo bile male je totalna glupost. "Dečki vole loviti, moraš biti nedostupna uvijek", "Ne smiješ mu se dati prebrzo jer će misliti da si drolja", "Ne pokazuj svoje prave osjećaje" i slično. Ova pravila su možda vrijedila prije 50 godina, ali situacija se promijenila. Nije ni seks što je bio, sada ga svi mogu dobiti svugdje. Ako se nekom zaista sviđaš i ako je za tebe, neće biti toliko bitno koliko se brzo riješite. Više ovisi o prezentaciji sebe, ali do toga ću doći kasnije.

Dakle, ako netko želi biti s nekim, potrudit će se sve napraviti da to tako bude. Ako ne želi, uvidjet ćeš. Ako se uopće moraš pitati o tome, to je vjerojatno tako. Ovo vrijedi za 90% muškaraca, ali i žena. Uvijek se uvide ti znakovi koji ne moraju samo biti riječi, nego većinom djela koja je potrebno prepoznati.  

Ghosting

Najčešće situacije koje se dešavaju curama je da ih dečko "ghosta". Tj. u početku je ful zainteresiran i priča ti o nekoj budućnosti, i onda se samo ohladi ili nestane interes. I onda tu cure ulaze u one crne misli poput sigurno sam mu ružna, previše sam otkrila o sebi, prerano sam mu dala, nisam trebala ovo napisati i reći i slično. Čitaju stare poruke i pitaju se pa kako se tako brzo promijenio i krive same sebe. A čemu ti to služi?

U većini slučajeva dečko je vrlo jasan: želi te za curu,  želi te samo riješiti, malo je usamljen i sl. Vidi se po njegovom ponašanju i načinu na koji se odnosi s tobom. To samo treba realno prepoznati i onda odlučiti da li je to isto što ti želiš. E sad cure to većinom prepoznaju, ali misle da će promijeniti muškarca, da će se on s vremenom zaljubiti u njih i slično - jer dugoročno, u konačnici i cure i dečki samo žele biti voljeni i validirani. Ne može se mijenjati muškarca, a ni ne treba. Svatko je kakav je, i treba ih takve i prihvatiti, a ne gledati svoje cure/dečke kao projekte na kojima trebaš raditi da bi postali onakvi kakvi ti želiš da budu. Što me dovodi do druge točke, i oni tebe trebaju prihvatiti kakva jesi.

Razmišljati o tome "što sam učinila da je tako promijenio priču i otišao" je besmisleno. Ako si mu se pokazala takva kakva jesi, iskreno, i ako te ostavi, onda ti ni ne treba takva osoba jel? Zar stvarno želiš nekog s kim moraš igrati igrice da bi bio zagrijan? Onda je pozitivno da se to što ranije završilo, šta nije? 

Presentation

Tu dolazimo i do tog kako se predstavljamo na van. Ako je sve što cijeniš izgled, i ne možeš složiti pametnu rečenicu, gledat će te kao komad mesa, jer nisi ponudila ništa drugo da bi te drugačije gledali. Kao i ako se oni predstavljaju kroz boce Jacka, slike s autom i iz teretane, nećeš ga baš gledati kao ništa više od toga. Većina ljudi se boji pokazati nesigurnosti i svoje pravo ja pa mislimo o njima da su nešto što zapravo nisu. Imam nekoliko prijateljica za koje ljudi misle da su površne, a zapravo su genijalne, pametne i sposobne cure, ali se fokusiraju na pokazati nešto vanjsko. Što je isto OK. Svatko pokazuje što želi i nisu svi toliko otvoreni da bi svima pokazali svoje pravo ja. Ja mislim da bolje biti kakav jesi, pa bar znaš da imaš ljude oko sebe koji te vole zbog toga, a ne zbog neke slike sebe koju si gradio/la. 

Rejection

Generalno cure nemaju previše povjerenja u dečke. Ili jer ih je neki prošli zeznuo, ili jer smo tako naučene, "svi muški su xy" i sl. I onda kad krenu s nekim tek na početku, prave se da su nešto što nisu i igraju igrice s njima misleći da će ih to zagrijati više. Šta nije bolje odmah biti kakva jesi, iskrena ili emocionalna ili šta god, i onda ako se njemu to svidi super, a ako ne, zbilja ti ne treba netko tko te takvu ne prihvaća. Ako te netko ne želi, onda jebiga, ne želi. To ne znači da trebaš misliti da nešto s tobom ne valja, to ne znači baš ništa, samo znači da je to tako. Odbijanje ne znači da ti nisi dobar ili ti nisi dobra, to je kompletno stvar osobe koja te odbila. Svakom se sviđa što im se sviđa, i to je jednostavno tako, ništa osobno.

Break-ups

Nadalje, nakon što ljudi prekinu s nekim, dolazi ono razdoblje gdje će ta osoba nastaviti dalje. Mislim to treba prihvatiti kao realnost, koliko god ste pričali o zauvijek. Čula sam puno toga kad je nečiji bivši ili bivša bila s nekim novim kao: "to meni radi namjerno", "želi me učiniti ljubomornom", "baš je glupača" itd. Ne. To ne radi tebi, ne radi nikome, samo to radi, i to je tako. I tako to treba prihvatiti kao objektivnu činjenicu. Mislim, ako baš radi u inat tebi onda je to vrlo djetinjasto, no mislim da većinom to ljudi ne rade u inat osim ako su 8. razred osnovne. 

Power 

Jedina moć koju imaš u tim situacijama (kao i u svima u životu) je to što ti misliš o tome. Nitko se ne "treba" ili "mora" ponašati prema nikom nikako, samo onako kako žele. Ako ćeš se brinuti, brini o onom na što možeš utjecati. A to je kakva osoba ti želiš biti. Sad, da li želiš biti netko tko se stalno sekira oko tog di je netko i stalka po fejsu i Instagramu i trudi se "osvetiti" il nešto, to je tvoja stvar, i ako to želiš biti budi. Osobno mislim da je drugi pristup puno bolji i zdraviji, ali opet nije na meni da odlučujem za nekog drugog.

Baggage

Cure i dečki su malo drukčiji i po svojim obrambenim mehanizmima. Većinom kada povrijediš dečka on će se odmaknuti i dignuti zid, kao da nisi nikad postojala. To ne znači da oni ne misle na tebe ili nešto, tako se samo nose s tim. Dok s druge strane kada se cure povrijedi, one će se i dalje aktivno truditi pisati ti poruke, s ciljem da ti shvatiš da ako se samo malo potrudiš, da će ti oprostiti sve. Nijedno od toga nije dobro za nikoga, ali svatko se nosi sa svojom boli različito. Teško je naučiti biti sam sa sobom kompletno, ali svatko bi to trebao probati jer to je ono s kim si zapravo cijeli život, sa sobom. 

E sad, neki koji su ranije bili povrijeđeni ili slično, u sljedeće veze ulaze s posljedicama prošle. Kao naprimjer bez povjerenja, oprezno, bolje nekog povrijediti prije nego oni tebe povrijede i tako dalje. To je sve razumljivo, i proporcionalno s tim koliko ti je prošla situacija bila teška. Ali to je isto krivo. Nova osoba ti nije kriva za ono što se desilo u prošlosti. Imaš samo to što se događa sada. Pratiš neke znakove i ponašanja, a ako ti je lijepo, zašto se štititi od tog da ti bude još ljepše? Ako i to završi, šta sad, preživjet ćeš kao što si i sve dosada. Ali vrijedi riskirati za ove lijepe trenutke. Izbjegavati lijepe stvari samo zato što će možda biti i ružnih nije život. Sve je to kako treba biti. I sve se to dešava s nekim razlogom iako ga možda sad ne vidiš, a ako završi ružno, opet je samo stvar preuzeti odgovornost i raditi na tvojoj perspektivi na situaciju. 

Simple baby

Jednostavno me frustrira kad vidim da su neke cure i dečki toliko nesvjesni koliko su predobri i kvalitetni i kako pristaju na stvari koje zapravo ne žele. 

Šta nije sve to zapravo nekako jednostavno? Ako te nešto/netko usrećuje nastavi s tim, a ako ne? Šta će ti to? Vidi kako se osjećaš kad prelistavaš stare poruke od bivše i pitaš se što si krivo napravio, i vidi kako se osjećaš kad odeš na trening. 

Bilo bi sve toliko bolje kad bi svi bili malo više iskreni. Ako hoćeš nekom poslati poruku, napravi to. Ako ti se netko sviđa, jasno to izreci. Ako ti se ne da biti više s nekim, reci to, skrati taj proces za njih i za sebe. Ako nešto želiš raditi, radi to, bez kalkuliranja budućnosti. I ako uvidiš da s druge strane nije ista reakcija ili osjećaji, onda pusti to, nije to za tebe. Bit ćeš puno mirniji/mirnija sa saznanjem da si bila/bio kakav jesi i ako ova osoba to ne želi, nije to ništa osobno. Ponekad nije ni tajming dobar ali većinom to treba samo prihvatiti kao činjenicu, bez previše analize. Šta nije to bolje nego stajati na mjestu stvarajući scenarije u glavi koji se neće ni desiti?

Ne znam, možda to sve dolazi s godinama ili iskustvom, ili svakom u svoje vrijeme, ali kad god sam pričala sa starijim ljudima, svi su isto potvrdili: ne treba komplicirati život i najbitnije je da smo zdravi. A sva popratna iskustva zapravo ovise o našoj perspektivi na njih.  

Until next time 😀 


Što je moje to će doći, a sve drugo s vremenom će proći.

GIRLS&BOYS

I have a lot of male friends. I believe in male-female friendships because I have experienced them and none of us tried to make it be something more. Sometimes I prefer hanging out with them more than with girlfriends because guys are just more simple and there is much less drama. So, through years, I have discussed many topics with them, and the most interesting and useful was to find out their perspective on relationships, girls, and love. Before I share with you the most interesting findings, I would like to digress into another thing.

Since I have this blog, a  few girls I have never met have contacted me, who are going through a "difficult" love situation in their life and have asked me for some advice, which I found beautiful and really cool. Also, us girls often talk about our love situations and discuss them. What I have realized as a foundation of all girl love "problems" (in most cases) is that girls don't actually love themselves. That's why they do some things and allow certain things to come to their life. 

Of course,  I don't mean to generalize all girls, not all girls are the same nor are boys, but in most cases, these are all similar behavior patterns.

Self-love

I haven't loved myself honestly in the past. Even when I thought I did, that love didn't come from me, but from the opinions of others. So, when I didn't know how to give that love to myself I searched for it in other people, friends, boyfriends, and acquaintances, which in the long term didn't work. Because your love of yourself can't depend on others. When and if they leave, you are left for yourself and if you don't have your own self-love you are left with nothing.

It's hard to reach that point of self-love, everyone reaches it at a different time, and some don't ever get to that point. Not sure how I got to it, but I'm glad I did. I guess you just get tired of not being satisfied with yourself, always wanting something more, some changes, hiding and proving yourself to others. But when you really love yourself it is so freeing and beautiful, you have no need to be anything else than what you are, and you don't need to constantly prove yourself to others nor do you care what others think. Most importantly, you know your worth and you don't accept less. But, it isn't enough to only love yourself, which brings me to my two conclusions and bases of all love "problems" girls have - they don't really love themselves and they don't take responsibility for their actions and what they bring to their life.

Seeing it from both sides 

Boys are simple, so damn simple. Everything girls were taught by society and magazines is pretty much outdated. "Boys love the chase, don't ever be available", "Don't give yourself to him too soon because he will think you are a hoe", "Don't show your real feelings". These rules might have been true 50 years ago but the situation has changed. And if playing games like these is something you need to do to find love, then that is a childish person and isn't the kind of thing anyone should strive for. If someone really likes you and appreciates you and if they are the person for you, none of this will matter. 

So, if someone wants to be with someone, they will do almost everything to make it happen. If they don't want that, you will realize it soon enough. If you even have to wonder about it, it's probably true. This is true for 90% of men but also women. You can always see these signs, which are usually not just words but mostly deeds needed to be recognized for what they are.

Ghosting

The situations I am aware of happening to girls most often is when boys ghost them. Meaning, he is super interested in the beginning and is talking about some future with you, but then he suddenly loses interest and disappears into a black hole of your dates. This is the point when girls enter the dark place of thinking: "he must think I'm ugly, I told him too much too soon, we had sex too early, I shouldn't have written this" etc. Re-reading old messages and thinking how did he change so suddenly and blaming themselves. What's the point of doing that?

In most cases a guy is very clear in his behavior: he either wants you as a girlfriend, as just sex, he is just a bit lonely etc. You can see it in the way he treats you. This is just something that needs to be recognized realistically and then decide if that is what you want. Remember, focus on what you actually want. Now most girls can recognize this in the beginning but pretend it to be something else, hoping that they will magically change his mind, that he will fall in love with them or something - because, in the long term, most guys and girls just want to be loved and validated. You can't change a man, and the fact is why should you? We are all who we are and should be accepted as such, instead of looking at people as your project. Which brings me to another point, they need to accept you as you are too.  

Thinking about: "what did I do wrong here" is useless. If you were who you truly are and if someone leaves you, then by default you don't belong with that person, do you now? Is it necessary to play games with someone to keep them around you? Isn't it all a positive experience, which is better to have happened as early as possible? 

Presentation

This brings me to our own presentations. If all you care about is your looks and you present yourself like that and can't put together a sentence, they will consider you a piece of meat. Because you didn't offer anything else which they can see you as. Also, if boys present themselves through bottles of Jack, taking pictures with cars and from the gym, you won't really see him as anything more then that. Most people are scared to show their insecurities and their true selves so we think of them as something they aren't. I know some girls who people consider only beautiful but superficial when in reality they are amazing, capable, intelligent women. But they focus on presenting themselves through their looks only. Which is also ok, everyone chooses what they want to be and present, and I don't judge that. I personally think it is better to be who you are all the time, show it all, the looks, the brains, and the jokes, the ugly and the good. At least then you know you have people around you that love you for your whole package, instead of a picture of yourself you tried to create.

Rejection

Most girls don't really trust boys from the start. Either because an ex hurt them, or because we were taught that "All men are the same", etc. Then when girls meet a new boy, to defend themselves from getting hurt, they pretend to be cold and play games with them, thinking that that will keep them longer. Isn't that a waste of time? Isn't it more efficient to be who you are, whether that is insecure, honest, weird, or anything, and if he doesn't like and appreciate that, thank you, next. This also counts for the other way around. 

We are all who we are. If someone doesn't want you, well fuck it, he/she doesn't. This doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, this just means it is the way it is. It's the other person's preference, that's all. Everyone likes what they like, and that's just a fact, it's nothing personal. 

Break-ups

After people break up with someone, inevitably there comes a period when one of you will move on to the next one. This is just the reality, no matter how much you used to talk about forever. I heard so many cases when someone's ex ends up with a new boy/girl, that person is saying: "He/she is doing this to me on purpose, to hurt me and make me jealous", "He is such a jerk/she is a bitch" etc. No. They aren't doing it to you, they aren't doing it to anyone, they are simply doing it and it's the way it is. An objective real fact. Unless they are in the eighth grade of elementary school, I'm pretty sure people don't do it TO anyone, and if they are well that's some childish stuff.

Power 

The only power you have in these situations (as in all situations in life) is what YOU think about it. No one has to or needs to act towards others in any other way than they want to act. If you are going to worry about something, worry about the things you can influence. And that is - what kind of person YOU want to be. Now if you want to be the kind of person who thinks about where someone is all the time, stalks them on FB and IG and plots revenge, well then be that. Personally, I feel the other approach is much healthier, but again, it's isn't my job to tell someone how they should act, this is all just my opinion.

Baggage

Boys and girls are a bit different in their defense mechanisms too. Usually, when you hurt a guy he will step away and build a wall like you never existed. This doesn't mean they don't think of you, it's just their way of getting over you. On the other hand, when you hurt girls, most of them will actively continue contacting you, trying to make you understand that if you try just a bit harder for what you did, you can win her back. None of these is good, but everyone deals with their own pain differently, and that's ok. Also, it's hard to learn how to truly be alone, but it's something everyone should try to learn because that's who you will be with for the rest of your life, yourself.

Some people who have been hurt in past relationships, enter the next one with baggage. Without trust, carefully, rather hurt someone first than get hurt etc. This is all understandable and proportional to how screwed up you got in the last relationship. But it also seems very wrong. The new person isn't to blame for what happened in your past. You only have now. Just follow some signs, (red) flags and behaviors and if you feel happy, why would you protect yourself from more possible happiness? And if that ends too, so what, you will get over it. But it's worth to risk it for the good times. Avoiding good things in life just because there is a possibility of bad times happening isn't living. It all happens as it should and for a reason. And if you end up alone again, it's only a matter of you focusing on what your perspective of the situation is, and taking responsibility for what you brought to your life.

Simple baby

I'm just frustrated when I see some girls and boys be so unaware of how fucking great and high-quality people they are, and how they accept the things they actually don't want.

Isn't life kind of simple? If something makes you feel good, continue doing it, and if not, leave it behind. See how you feel when you are going through old messages of your ex, wondering what you did wrong, and how you feel when you go do a workout.

If you wanna send someone a message, send it. If you like someone, say it to them. If you don't wanna be with someone anymore, say it, make that process shorter for both of you. If you wanna do something, just do it without calculating the future. And if you see that the other party doesn't feel the same, then walk away, it's just not for you and that's really OK.

You will be at peace because you know you were who you are, and if someone doesn't want that, it's really nothing personal. Sometimes the timing is also bad, but mostly it should all be accepted as an objective fact and without overthinking too much. Isn't this better than to wonder all the time and create scenarios in your head that probably won't ever happen? 

I guess it all comes with age or experience, or each in their own time, but whenever I talked to older people they all confirmed the same: there is no need to complicate life and the most important thing is to have your health. All other experiences really depend on our perspective on them. 

Until next time 😀 



What's mine will come to me, everything else will pass with time.