Girls and boys: Together

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Hey, I just met you

Dvoje ljudi se nekako pronađu, većinom kad to najmanje očekuju. Početak je nekima izazovan, a neki se zaljube jedno drugo u par dana pa veza krene jako intenzivno. 

Takvi parovi si kažu da se vole nakon mjesec ili dva, planiraju daleku budućnost, rade velike korake zajedno, ne odvajaju se, ne vide ništa što im smeta u početku i to je ono ružičasto razdoblje poznato kao honeymoon faza. 

Ovi drugi trebaju vremena za prilagodbu zbog nekih svojih razloga i strahova.

Bez obzira kakav bio taj početak, odjednom ste se odlučili dijeliti svakodnevicu s nekom osobom, a obje od ovih verzija (vjerojatno) idu prema istom cilju - ljubavi. 

In love vs. love

Literatura i ja se slažemo. Postoji razlika između zaljubljenosti i ljubavi. Znam to jer sam prošla oboje, zaljubila sam se puno puta, a stvarno i ozbiljno voljela samo par. 

Zaljubljenost je neka vrsta zaluđenosti, opsesije. Agonija nedostajanja, žudnja za njima da budu uz vas cijelo vrijeme. Tu ljudi najčešće misle da vole nekoga, jer je sve idealno, a onda si to i izgovore kroz nekoliko mjeseci, obično tri do šest.

S druge strane ljubav, voljeti nekoga, je nešto što nadilazi fizičku prisutnost. Svjesni ste njihovih mana (za razliku od zaljubljenosti gdje su vam te mane još slatke) ali i dalje vidite iza njih, vidite nečiju dušu i poznajete ih. Želite da rastu i da su sretni, s vama ili bez vas. Stvarate prilike, zajedno se gradite, motivirate i inspirirate, bez obzira koliko vrijeme ili udaljenost to zahtjevaju. Bezuvjetna je, nadilazi i emocionalnu bol koju vam je netko nanio, zahtjeva žrtvu i povjerenje.

Zaljubljenost je prolazna, kroz kratko vrijeme prestaneš biti zaljubljen u nekoga kad ti ta osoba prestane ispunjavati očekivanja. Ali prestati voljeti nekoga? Samo nakon dugo, dugo vremena, a možda čak ni tad. 

Svima je lako voljeti kad je sve idealno i kad smo sretni, ali kad dođu životni izazovi, a i dalje se trudite jedno oko drugog, e to već ima potencijala za prerasti u nešto. Zato me rastužuje što često parovi troše vrijeme na rasprave, ispod kojih zapravo stoji jedna stvar, a to je sljedeće.

 CTRL

Ono što sam prepoznala kao temelj gotovo svih problema i svađa u vezama je činjenica da većina smatra, možda i nesvjesno, da ljubav i kontrola idu zajedno. Imaju neka očekivanja od partnera. Ona možda dolaze od vanjskih faktora ili toga što društvo kaže, od romantičnih filmova, straha od gubitka, samoće, nesigurnosti i traženja rješenja istih u partneru i sl. Svašta može oblikovati nečiju viziju dobre veze.

Ono što je najbitnije spoznati je da je nemoguće nekog voljeti i kontrolirati u isto vrijeme. Koliko puta si partneri prigovaraju: zašto me nisi nazvala, zašto si ostao budan ali nisi pričao sa mnom, zašto se nisi javila cijeli dan, zašto putuješ s prijateljicama, a ne sa mnom, zašto se družiš s xy osobom, zašto mi ne daješ pažnje, zašto mi ne govoriš da ti falim, zašto se dopisuješ s xy, zašto me ne utješiš i oraspoložiš itd. Uglavnom, zašto bilo što što tebi treba u nekom trenutku, jer je to tvoja potreba u tom trenu i tvoje očekivanje koje vjerojatno nije uopće iskomunicirano.

Zašto to ne rade ili rade? Zato jer ne moraju ništa ako to ne žele. Nikakav papir niti dogovor o vezi ne garantiraju da netko nešto mora.

Što sva ova pitanja imaju zajedničko? To da nemaju veze s partnerom koji vam to što ga tražite ne pruža. Ima veze s osobom koja postavlja takva pitanja partneru, jer u konačnici, ne može se tražiti od nikoga da te ispuni ili "spasi" na takav način. 

Moraš si biti dovoljan, sam ili sama, isto kao što moraš razumijeti da svatko ima pravo raditi što god želi i ići gdje želi. Ako ti to toliko ne odgovara ili smeta da remeti tvoj osobni mir već dugo vremena i donosi više ružnog nego lijepog, onda otiđi. “Al volimo se ne možemo se pustit.” Razumijem, ali to što se tako raspravljate nije ljubav, jer ona ne guši, nego oslobađa.

Čini se strašna ta pomisao, zar ne? Da ustvari ne možemo utjecati na odluke i ponašanja osoba do kojih nam je stalo. To vrijedi za sve odnose. Koliko god se trudili, krajnja odluka će biti njihova. Ne treba se bojati toga što se ne može kontrolirati nikoga. Upravo suprotno, to je vrlo oslobađajuće zato jer ne moraš ništa forsirati niti se brinuti jer ne ovisi o tebi. 

I said it once and I'll say it again

Jedino što možeš napraviti u vezi je reći partneru kako se osjećaš. "Kad napraviš to i to ja se osjećam tako i tako." I gotovo. Sad se ne treba svađati ni ljutiti nego samo pustiti. Od sad nije ništa na tebi. Znam da se nekad lakše se svađati i prigovarati nego pokazati ranjivost, ali to je samo ego, a ovo drugo je puno zdravije. 

Partner u tom trenutku mora jedino odlučiti ako će nastaviti raditi to što ti uzrokuje određene osjećaje i preuzeti odgovornost za što se može dogoditi ako to nastavi, ili neće to raditi zato jer mu nije u interesu da te povrijedi. Tj. mora se doći do nekog kompromisa. 

Npr. što bi vam bilo draže čuti od partnera?

a) Zašto ti sad nećeš pričat sa mnom nego ideš spavat?
b) Fališ mi i trebam malo pažnje jer mi je dosadno (realno, većinom je to razlog)

ili

a) Zašto stalno odlaziš s curama na putovanja, a sa mnom nikad nećeš?
b) Volio bi da odemo ti i ja isto na put da doživimo tako nešto zajedno.

Opcije b proizlaze iz ljubavi, opcije a iz čistog ega. Ako odete sa b, riješilo bi se sve odmah i lijepo, a ako odete sa a opcijom, šanse su da ćete se posvađati.

Poštedite se dramice, gledajte širu sliku i samo recite što osjećate umjesto da nekom prigovarate zašto radi nešto što vam možda ne odgovara. Jer može, mogu svi. Nije poanta da te netko ispuni, nego da budete sami ispunjene osobe i dijelite to zajedno. Bolje je to objašnjeno u ovom videu:

Dakle to ne znači da ćemo zanemariti druge ljude i ne raditi kompromise za partnera, jer je to naravno potrebno u svim odnosima (ne možemo se s nikim slagati u svemu 100%), ali moraš si i sam dati te pažnje, smijeha, ljubavi i svega što očekuješ od druge polovice.

I najviše od svega, treba birati svoje borbe. Ne treba se za sve ljutiti i prigovarati. 

Neke stvari treba pustiti jer su nevažne u usporedbi s ljepotom toga što imate nekog tko vam čini život malo slađim i na koga vjerojatno mislite dok ovo čitate.

Jednostavno, zar ne?

 Until next time :) 

_________________________

GIRLS&BOYS: TOGETHER

Hey, I just met you

Let's start from the beginning. Two people find eachother somehow, usually when they least expect it. For some, the start is rocky while some fall in love at first sight so the relationship gets really serious really fast.

Some couples declare love to eachother after a month or two, plan a distant future, take big steps together, never separate, think it's all perfect, see nothing that bothers them in the beginning, which is the so called honeymoon phase. 

For others it might start rocky, which is fine too. Sometimes you need time. 

Suddenly you decided to share your everyday life with another person, but in the end, both of these versions are going towards a common goal which is love.

In love vs. love

I agree with literature. There is a difference between being in love and loving someone. I know it for a fact because I have been both. I fell in love many times and really loved a few. 

To be in love is to be a bit crazy about someone, obsessed in a way. You feel alone without your partner, you miss them so much it makes you annoyed, you yearn to be with them all the time. This is the period when people think that they love them because everything is perfect and usually they say it to eachother, in about three to six months.

On the other hand, real love, loving someone, surpasses physical presence. You are aware of their flaws (unlike when you are in love and you find the same flaws cute) but you still see pass those flaws, you see their soul, you know them inside and out. You want them to grow and be happy with or without you. You create opportunities together, build things together, motivate and inspire eachother, no matter how much time or distance it takes. Love is unconditional, it surpasses emotional pain they cause you, it needs some sacrifices and a whole lot of trust.

Being in love fades away quickly, usually when they stopped being who you expected them to be. But to really stop loving someone? That takes time and time, and even then it might not fade away.

It's really easy to say you love someone when it's all ideal and you are happy, but when it's not good, when challenges appear and you are still trying to work it out, than we can talk about love. It makes me sad that some couples waste time on irrelevant fights, all based on the following. 

 CTRL

What I realized leads to most issues in relationships is that most people believe, maybe unconsiously, that love and control are one thing. They have certain expectations from the partner. Those might come from things you have heard or seen in society, from romantic movies, from fear of loss and loneliness, from personal insecurities and looking for solutions of those in a partner. Many things can shape a persons vision of a perfect relationship.

What's important to realize is that it is impossible to love and control someone at the same time. There are so many examples of couples arguing over stuff like: why didn't you call me today, why are you staying up with your friends but couldn't talk to me, why do you hang out with this person, why aren't you paying me any attention, why don't you tell me you miss me, why are you texting this person, why don't you cheer me up and make me feel better etc. Basically, why are they doing anything opposite from what you think you need them to do, because its different from your vision and current wish.

Why? Because they don't have to do it, they don't have to do anything they don't want to do. No paper or agreement of a relationship guarantees that anyone must and will do something.

Now what do all these Why's have in common? The fact that they have nothing to do with the partner who isn't giving you what you want, but have everything to do with the person asking those questions. You can't expect anyone to complete you or "save" you in any way.

You have to be enough for yourself, alone, as well as understand that we all have a right to do what we want and go where we want at any time. If this bothers you in your partner and disturbes your peace for a long time now, then leave. "But we love each other we can't break up." I get it, everyone has been there. But that is not love, because love doesn't smother you, it makes you feel liberated.

It's a scary thought, isn't it? Not to be able to control decisions and behaviors of the people we care about the most. This is true for partners as well as in friendship. No matter how much you try, the final decision is theirs. But this is not something to be scared of, on the contrary, this is the most liberating thing to realize because you don't have to force anything or worry. 

I said it once and I'll say it again

All you can do is tell your partner how you feel. "When you do this and that it makes me feel like this and that." That's all. Now you don't need to fight or get angry, simply let go, because from this point on it doesn't depend on you. I know sometimes it's easier to fight and ask questions why are they doing something instead of showing vulnerability, but that's just ego, and the latter is much healthier.

When you do that, the partner must only decide if they will continue doing something that makes you feel a way and take responsibility for what could happen if they do continue, or they can stop doing that because they don't want to consciously hurt you. In other words you need to compromise. 

E.g. what would you rather hear from your partner? 

a) Why are you going to sleep now when I wanna talk to you?
b)  I miss you and I'm needy and bored now (usually that's the reason)

or

a) Why do you always travel with your girls but never with me? 
b) I would really love to go travel with you to share those experiences together. 

Option b comes out of love, while option a comes from your ego. 

Look at the bigger picture and just communicate how you feel instead of questioning why they are doing something you might not like at that moment. Because they can, we all can. The point of a relationship is not to find someone to complete you, it's to be a complete person on your own and share that with another. Or in this video below, and example of My cup runneth over:

This doesn't mean you stop caring about others and stop compromising for your partner, because that is what relationships need sometimes, sacrifice (you will never agree with someone 100% on everything) but you need to make sure you have all that love, attention and fun on your own instead of expecting that all the time from your significant other. 

Finally, pick your battles. There is no need to get angry and fight about every little detail. 

You just need to let go of some stuff because they are irrelevant compared to the beauty of having someone who makes your life a bit sweeter and who you are probably thinking of while reading this. 

Simple, right?

 Until next time :)